My New Extended Family

December 14, 2008

I’m sitting in the meditation hut as I am writing this.  I’ve been working on my final presentation but I guess that I just needed a break.  I’ve been thinking too much about other things to really focus on the task at hand.  Over the past four months I’ve been thinking about going home, but today I’m thinking about what I am going to be leaving behind.  There is so much to go home for but there is just as much to stay here for.  I had so much fun last night and I really want to continue having fun with my new friends here.  I have built some amazing relationships and I don’t want them to end.  We are going back in a few days and we will be going to different directions.  Some to Gustavus, others to Concordia and some not going back to school at all.  Our little group is breaking up and I don’t want that to happen.  I’m so afraid to be without them.  We have stuck together through thick and thin and we are leaving each other.  Just when things are starting to get really good, we’re leaving each other.  I have been side by side with them and I don’t know how I’m going to go on without them.  I really wish this wasn’t happening.  I want to see my family and friends but I don’t want to let these people go.  I didn’t think that I would ever get to this point, but here I am holding back the tears.  Tears for what I am about to lose.  How could this have happened to me?  How could I let myself become so vulnerable with these strangers?  I guess we’re not really strangers anymore.  We are family now.  I want to thank all of them for making my experience so wonderful at times.  Thank you Karly, Kate, Auzzie, Brianna, Andrea, Dusty, Jesse, Erin, Amanda, Gee, Nick, Marty, Dimitri, Jon, Steve and Jonathan.  You have all made this experience awesome.  I have been blessed to have each of you in my life.  I am so happy that we will always have this experience together.  Things were not always easy but we made it through together.  Wow.  I all of the sudden got really cheesy, but I don’t care.  I really mean all of these things.  I could never have done this without you guys.       

Play It Once More, Bangalore!

December 13, 2008

Today was our last Saturday in India.  I can’t even believe it.  I didn’t do all that much today.  I spent the day thinking about what I want to say during my presentation on Monday, but I didn’t get any real work accomplished, but that’s okay.  I have all day tomorrow to get stuff done.  I’m definitely still a college student.  Using my Sunday to finish what I should have done today. 

Six of us went into Bangalore this afternoon to do some shopping and then meet with the rest of the group for one last group dinner. We are definitely becoming pros at this now.  We rode the bus into town and got out at the night stop and everything. We walked around the crowded city.  I almost got run over on several different occasions, but when doesn’t that happen here?  I never thought that I would be able to get around this massive city without a guide but we did just fine.  We even found what we were looking for and didn’t have to ask for directions at all.  We are so awesome.  I tried to use up what was left of my rupees but I didn’t see too much that I really liked.  I guess that I’m going to have to go back to the city at least one more time before we leave.  We finally arrived at the restaurant and had dinner.  It was pretty good and it was nice to have everyone together for a nice meal.  Except Auzzie, because she decided to go on a date with some random guy she met.  How nice of her!  The best part was that she never came back to Visthar tonight and is still gone.  I hope she’s okay.  Anyway, we had fun without her.  Brianna, Jesse, Erin and I decided that we were going to do a little more shopping before we left the city for the night.  We had a lot of fun walking around the city.  The funniest thing happened to us on the way back to Visthar.  We hired a rickshaw to take us back and it was awesome.  The roads are really bad on the way to Visthar and the driver didn’t know it before.  We got to the unpaved section of the drive and our driver started saying, “ahhhhhhhhahhhhhhhahhhhh.”  It was hilarious because we were going over bumps and he sounded like a little kid riding his bike on gravel.  I was laughing so hard.  He didn’t stop doing it the whole time.  I thought that I was going to pee my pants.  Only in India.  What an awesome night!  

A Little Reflection

December 12, 2008

My time in India is quickly approaching the end.  I have 5 days left in this country and I can’t help but reflect on everything that I have done in the last 3.5 months.  I spent some time today looking at pictures from earlier in the trip.  We have done so much.  It’s hard to believe that we have really been here for this long.  As I have said in previous entries, India has a way of changing people.  I know that I have changed in more ways than I could have ever imagined.  The other people on this trip have changed too.  I am truly amazed by this group of students.  We were all strangers 3 months ago and now I know that I am really going to miss them.  We have been through so much together.  No one else will really be able to understand how I feel about the things that I have done.  When I get on the plane on Thursday I know that I will feel excited about going home but I think that I will cry because I will soon be leaving these people.  It took a long time to become close with everyone but now that I have I don’t want to leave them.  We are going to a group dinner tomorrow night in the city and I just know that it’s going to be emotional for a lot of us.  I really hope that we will all stay in touch once we are back in the states.    

I Need A Break

December 11, 2008

We had a short session this morning.  We are now in the process of wrapping up the trip.  We talked for some time about what it’s going to be like going home.  We started by talking about our expectations of the course.  This list of expectations was written out from the very beginning.  It was a long list about what we expected to get from the experience.  I thought about my own expectations and I know that I have met them.  I did what I came to do in India.  Some of the expectations were met without me even realizing it at the time.  My greatest expectation was to get out of my comfort zone, and I did just that.  I got so far outside my comfort zone that I couldn’t even see that zone anymore. 

After the discussion I got really nervous about going home.  I really want to go home but I’m afraid of what it’s going to be like.  I have one more week in India and then it’s over and I might never come back here again.  It might be the last time I’m here.  It’s defiantly a bittersweet feeling.  I’m afraid of what’s next in my life but I’m happy that I’m going to be with my family again.  I wonder how my life will change.  I wonder if people will still see me as the same person.  Will I still be able to make people laugh?  It’s a little terrifying wondering if people will still know me.  I want to prove that I am the same old Michele just a little different.  I don’t want people to think that I know the world because I don’t.  I’m leaving India with more questions than I started with and I’m more confused than ever before.  I have always thought of myself as this unchanging person and now I’ve changed and I know it.  I can’t give specifics but I know I have.  Wow.  Reflection is really hard.  I feel like this entry is just full of stuff and it doesn’t really make all that much sense.  Oh well.  My brain is just going in all different directions right now.  I think I need a nap or a drink or something.  Oh, India!  Look at what you’ve done to me.        

It's Final Project Time

December 10, 2008

I’ve spent the majority of the day working on my final project.  It’s amazing that I am finally to the point of this experience to be working on the final project.  I’m really excited about it too.  I’ve been working on it since October but now its finally coming together.  Through missions at church I have been able to raise money for the Bandhavi School here at Visthar.  I’m really hoping that this will be a lasting relationship between Visthar and my home church.  I think that I will be able to get the congregation excited about helping a school about 10,000 miles away.  I am often surprised by how willing people are to help out people they will never have a chance to meet.  I feel so good about this whole thing.  That’s all for today.  

A Changing Perspective

December 9, 2008

We made it back to Visthar last night around 11:30.  It was so strange coming back here.  The last time I was at the Bangalore Airport was on August 30^th.  That was the day we first got to India.  I remember being so confused about everything.  The driver was on the wrong side of the bus and we were driving down the wrong side of the road.  I was so curious about everything that was going on outside of the window and I wondered how I was going to learn everything about this country in 4 months.  I had so many questions and no one to direct them to.  I wonder if my mouth was hanging wide open the entire way to Visthar the first time.  This time the drive was different.  I found myself smiling about everything around me.  I smiled because I felt a huge sense of pride in myself.  India has been hard but I have finally figured out a few things.  I still get surprised by some of the situations I end up in but now I feel like I can actually face them.  I still have a lot left to do in India but I think that I will be able to face this challenging week head on.  I didn’t make it this far just to give up.  I have an awesome final project to do and I think that will be more fun than work anyway.  I’ve got to get back to work.  

Traveling Makes Me Tired

December 8, 2008

We are sitting in the Mumbai airport right now waiting to get our tickets figured out.  For some reason things aren’t working out the way they should be.  I just want to get through security, get on the plane and get back to Bangalore.  I really just want to be back at Visthar and getting this trip wrapped up.  I feel like I still have so much left to do here and so little time.  I really just want to go back home.  I want to have a chance to relax and feel sweet freedom.  I want to be able to come and go as I please and not have to answer to anyone but myself.  Ever since coming to India I have felt trapped.  We are constantly moving and being asked to do so much.  I have forgotten what it feels like to have a free weekend.  I know that I’ve said it before but it feels like we are in class 24/7.  I’ve been wondering what I will miss about India when we leave and I haven’t come up with anything yet.  I realize that doesn’t sound very good.  I’ve been living here for almost 4 months and I won’t miss anything.  Maybe I just need to take a step back and take a deeper look into the experience.  There’s a lot of reflection that needs to happen within myself.  I think that the hardest part is knowing that there’s so much that I will need to do by myself.  It’s hard to think about this reflection in terms of doing it on my own.  It’s actually really sad.  Great.  Now I made myself sad.  I’m done for the day.  

This Experience is Mine

December 7, 2008

I can’t believe that it is the 7^th of December!  It seems like only yesterday that I was standing in the airport with 16 strangers.  I thought about running out of the airport and calling my parents to come back and get me.  I could have run and never looked back, but I didn’t.  I got in line and got on that plane.  I took my first brave steps into the world.  Wow, I have never thought that about myself before.  Brave?  Who, me?  I didn’t know that coming to India would take so much courage, but it really does.  I’ve done it.  I’ve proved it to myself and to the rest of the world.  Look at what I can do.  India has scared me and pulled me in so many directions.  It’s hard to believe that I am the same woman who left Minnesota in August.  There were so many times that I considered giving up and going home.  I wanted to prove to myself and everyone else that I could do this, and I really have.  I am so happy that I decided to stick it out in India.  I have learned so much about the world and about myself.  This experience has been so difficult for me and yet I am so happy that I have made it.  I think that I have done more than I ever thought possible.  I don’t think that anyone, other than myself, can really understand how this experience has been for me.  We are getting graded on our participation here and that makes me a little angry because how can anyone judge what I have done here.  No one really knows but me.  No one from this trip really knew me before coming to India so how could they possibly know? 

I have been wondering this a lot lately.  I was so homesick at the beginning of this experience and I was trying to deal with so much in my personal life and that made things so hard for me.  I lost my best friend to suicide 4 months before coming to India and I have spent so much time trying to grieve for that loss.  I feel like some people from the trip don’t understand that I have been going through this the whole time.  It seems like they just want me to forget what is going on in my personal life and just be in this experience.  That’s a lot easier said then done.  That is not something that someone can just get over.  I wish that there was more sensitivity involved when judging me on my personality and experience in India.  I miss my friend so much and it just kills me inside.  So, I’m sorry if that gets in the way of my experience here!     

 

Really...More Terrorists

December 6, 2008

We were supposed to go back to Visthar today, but because of terrorist threats on the airport we are staying in Udiapur until Monday.  I’m so afraid.  I just want to go home.  I want to get out of this country alive.  There have been other scary things in my life but this is the worst fear that I have ever felt.  Why are the terrorists doing this?  What is so wrong with the world that these terrorists feel that they need to kill innocent people to get their point across?  This extremist group is doing so much harm in this country and around the world.  I know for a fact that people from home will not have a very good view of people from this part of the world after all of this.  My family is worried sick about me.  I know that they are seeing these terrorists as Middle Eastern people and it does not help at all.  In the US we are shown, through media, that terrorists come from this part of the world.  I’m so afraid and I’m so angry about this whole thing.  

My Purpose

December 5, 2008

We had a session today that was supposed to wrap up this course on environment.  The most important part of this session was about figuring out how we will make changes in our own lives after we leave India.  We were asked to draw a tree of life.  Different parts of the tree are supposed to represent certain parts of your life.  The roots are what you want to hold on to (family, friends, strong relationship, hope, and faith), the trunk and branches are what you want to experience or do differently (do more outside, be a kid again, travel, love more, walk barefoot, remember what makes life so special, shop less), the fruits of the tree are your dreams or things you want to discover (the world, myself, find true happiness everyday) and the dead branches are the things that I want to let go (sadness, hate, greed).  This tree of life was difficult to do and I had to think about what I wanted to write for a long time.  I had a hard time understanding what this exercise had to do with the environment course.  It made me wonder about what is the purpose/meaning of my life, not the environment.  I will be done with college in 13 days and I really wish that I knew the next step in my journey.  I have felt so lost for the last 6 months and India has just added more questions for me, and has provided so few answers.  I keep thinking about this experience and wondering how it is going to change my life and what I will do with all of this information.  I just haven’t come up with anything yet.  I wish that life was easy sometimes but I don’t know if it would be as much fun if everything came easy. I have a strong feeling that I really won’t know how this has changed me until after I get back to the states.

What a Waste

December 4, 2008

A few members of the group went to a tree house today.  It was really awesome.  It was not like a little kid tree house.  It was an actual tree house.  It was 3 stories high and super awesome.  The tree house was made out of all recycled materials and was built to fit the tree perfectly.  I really like the idea of making things out of recycled materials.  My family lives in an area where we are not able to get our recyclable waste picked up and so we just throw everything out.  After this week, I feel like we should really change this.  I often wonder about my own wastefulness in these situations.  I wonder about how much I have used in this life.  How much have I thrown away?  How much of that could have been used again?  I wonder where all of that waste ended up.  It could have made its way to India.  We know that India buys garbage from the United States so my garbage from home could have made it to India without me even knowing it. 

In the US we are so driven to buy more than we need.  Why do we have this drive?  We are told that these things will make us happy.  But do they actually make us any happy?  I really don’t think that our things make us any happier.  A lot of the things that we buy end up in the trash.  Over the last 3 months I have been living off 5 shirts and 2 pair of pants.  If someone had told me that I could live off so little for 3 months I never would have believed them.  I have been living simply in India and it surprises me so much.  I guess that I don’t really think about it anymore.  I wonder how many of these lifestyle changes will come home with me.  I guess that I will just have to wait and see what happens when I get back.      

"Cultural" Event

December 3, 2008

We spent the day at the Shikshantar organization (it’s a center that focuses on alternative lifestyles).  We didn’t really do all that much so it was nice to have a chance to relax a little. 

Tonight was awesome we went to the Advent Institute (the school we worked with at the lakes).  It was supposed to be dinner and a cultural event, but we found out that it was so much more.  The “cultural” event was ridiculous.  The first performer came on stage and did a Bollywood dance and a nun chuck routine.  It was so funny.  I guess that I didn’t expect it at all.  There were more performances.  Some could be considered cultural but most were absolutely crazy.  One man actually sang “Nothing at all” by Alison Krauss.  I was laughing so hard.  I couldn’t help it.  We were there for a cultural event and this man is standing in front of us singing an English song to us that was popular when I was 12 years old.  The only thing that I could do was smile and laugh.  I’m so thankful that someone videotaped this experience so that I can see it again.  After the “cultural” event we were invited to have some dinner.  As we ate, a big group of students watched us and made sure that we were enjoying every bite of our meal.  It was actually really good food.  Some people asked for my email and I’m pretty sure that an Indian man fell in love with me tonight.  He kept making eyes at me.  It was really weird.  I was happy when we left because then he wouldn’t be able to stare at me anymore.  This was a crazy night for sure.      

 

The Lakes

December 1 and 2, 2008

We split into smaller groups today to go on different field visits.  Each group is focusing on different aspects of the environment in India, specifically environmental problems.  The group that I am with is learning about the lakes in the Udiapur area and the human and environmental impacts on these lakes.  One important thing to note is that Udiapur is on the edge of a desert and water sources can become scarce.  There are so many factors involved with the conservation of these lakes.  In Udiapur there were over 100 lakes and now there are only 5 or 6.  This is such a huge problem for this area and it defiantly needs to be addressed.  The problem is that no one really wants to address it.    

We spent a second day working on the lakes.  I’m really bored with this.  I was getting sick of doing nothing and just driving around looking at the lakes.  I really just wanted to be done with it.  I feel like people here know there’s a problem with the lakes but the situation seems so hopeless that people don’t think that anything that they do will actually matter because the problems are so big.  We spent some time with lake researchers from the area.  It was really disappointing.  We talked to them about the problems that we had seen with the lakes and offered some of out own solutions to these problems.  We were told that they tried doing all of these things to change the status of the lakes.  I think that the major problem is that these researchers are only looking at fast solutions and not long-term solutions.  They were really pessimistic about the future of these essential lakes. I got really upset about this because lately I have wanted to help with changing something about the world and this just makes me feel a sense of hopelessness.  I’m so happy that today is over and I don’t have to do this again.  

 

The Last Two Train Rides

November 29 and 30, 2008

We had another night train from Delhi to Udiapur.  This was by far the worst train ride of India.  Thank God that I have no more train rides left.  I don’t even want to look at another train ever again.  We were in the regular sleeper class.  Basically, its dirty, smelly, you don’t get blankets and the windows refuse to close all the way so you freeze your butt off all night long and all the while you’re being stared by random people.  It was a miserable night.  It started off terrible.  There was this horrible, pushy, rude Indian man who was being such a jerk to me.  I felt like I might just lose it.  In other words, “I was going to kick some ass and take some names.”  Fortunately, for this particular man, I held it together and I didn’t have to see him again.  Some people in this world are so rude and I really can’t figure out why.  After a freezing cold, sleepless night we arrived in Udiapur.  The hotel where we are staying is probably the nicest place that we have been to so far.  There’s hot water, western toilets, soft beds and even a small TV in every room.  It is so amazing.  It feels so nice to be at this place.  I know that I will be able to get a lot of good rest here and that makes me so happy.

We began our Environment course today.  There’s a lot to learn about in the next 6 days but I think that it will be really cool to learn about it all.  We’ve been living in this environment for 3 months now and it will be nice to finally put some things together.  There’s so much that I want to know about the environment here in India.  Also, the people who are coordinating this course are Indian Hippies.  Which is really cool.  They seem so nice and 2 of them grew up in the United States so they understand us more than most of the other people that we have met.  We went over a brief schedule of what we will be doing over the next few days and it all sounds really awesome.  I can’t wait to get started.             

I Get Around...India

November 28, 2008

Today is our final day in Varanasi.  It’s a little bitter sweet leaving this place.  I really like it here even though I feel like I’ve been sleeping on a card table with a quilt as a mattress.  At the same time, I really want to get going to our next field visit.  I’m happy that the religion course is officially over.  It has been incredibly challenging for me.  There has been so much information to absorb.  We are leaving here at 5:00 this afternoon and taking a night train back to Delhi.  I’m not looking forward to the train ride but that’s just how people get around in India, and now that we’ve been here for 3 months we know what to expect when we get on the train.  At least I’m not nervous about it.

I’m actually feeling more and more like a resident here.  I clearly don’t fit in India with my skin color but I feel like I know the ropes a little better now and have figured out how some things work around here.  

Thanksgiving

November 27, 2008

Today is Thanksgiving, but I don’t really feel like celebrating.  I’m too worried to feel like celebrating.  Last night there were bomb blasts in Mumbai targeted at westerners.  The blasts killed a whole bunch of people.  The numbers are not confirmed yet.  People like me.  People like me are the targets in this whole thing.  We have three weeks left in this country and I’m terrified.  We were told that we are safe where we are but I still don’t feel safe.  In fact, I have never been this scared in my whole life.  Visthar is trying to make us feel better about the situation but I just don’t feel any better.  I guess that we really shouldn’t worry but I just can’t help it.  I want to enjoy Thanksgiving but I don’t know how to right now.  Maybe I just need to get out and do something fun, or watch a movie or something. 

I’m writing this entry after dinner.  We had a Thanksgiving dinner tonight and it was amazing.  Carolyn, Jonathan’s wife, did so much to make dinner special for us.  I am so thankful that she is here.  We ate really awesome food.  I think that I ate more tonight than I have at any point in India.  I’m writing this entry about 3 hours after dinner and I’m still so full.  It’s really an awesome feeling.  I thought that tonight was going to be really hard for me but it has actually turned out to be pretty amazing.  I think that this is the happiest I have been in India so far.  This group of people amazes me.  I have truly come to love some of them.  We have been able to share so much with each other and we will carry these memories with us for the rest of our lives.  We may not stay in contact with each other, but the memory of these days will always remind me of what awesome people have come into my life and how blessed I really am.  God has given me so much to be thankful for and now this experience in India is on my thankful list.  If you had asked me two months ago if I was thankful to be in India I would have thought you were crazy.  My thoughts have changed significantly.  I don’t think that I could be any happier about this experience than I am right now.  I still miss my family but it is different now.  I know that it may sound cliché but I have some family right here with me in India.  I just feel so content right now and it is so awesome.